Farmer Joe Does The Farmer Blow

Have you ever found yourself on the bus or in a meeting with out a tissue? You can feel your nose running and no matter how hard you try to fight it, soon there will be a clear, liquid salty substance heading out of your nose and downwards. What do you do? Now, you may be tempted to do one of the following - but please, please DO not ever do these in public. To do so will only cause mass panic and/or riots (I may be exaggerating).





And finally, the most heinous of all nose blowing techniques that should not under any circumstances be performed:

The Monday Morning Spank-Tacular Issue.

I have an issue with two close personal “friends” of mine. Now I’ve known them my whole life and we’ve seen some good times and some not so good times. I see them every day and when I was younger I used to be ashamed of them. I would pretend I didn’t know who they were because I didn’t want the other kids to tease me. Though, as I got older I guess I sort of started to appreciate them for always being close by when I needed them the most. If only they weren’t so lazy and well, kind of fat.

I suppose it is safe to tell you their names as I’m almost sure they don’t read my blogs. Tons of people have met them and developed nicknames for them such as: Fun Bags, Ta Ta’s, The Girls, The Big Guns, The Twins, Knockers, Rack, Holiday Hams, Melons and so on. I have my own endearing nickname for them, “Fat Fucks”. But their technical names are “Left Breast” and “Right Breast”. Seriously, I’m a little tired of carrying all the weight for those two – literally – they’re so lazy they can’t even support themselves. I have to buy all of their clothes, bathe them, house them and make sure they are presentable in public/photos like some kind of personal assistant. But when ever I get a little attention from boys (and sometimes girls) they’re sure quick to take all the credit, selfish bitches.

Only recently I discovered that my breasts had put on a lot of weight with out me even noticing. As I have mentioned before, my sister used to work in a lingerie store. So who better to help me pick out a new one than my little sister? Yes I realize how creepy that sounded. Anyway after she brought me in a thousand and four “C” bras to try on I told her they were going to be too big. “I’ve been an “A” my whole life Robin there’s no way I’m a “C”. She was appalled that I had been squeezing myself into an “A” cup since grade five (I developed pretty early). So for half an hour she threw various bras at me and made me try them all on and then continually adjusted me in each one. It wasn’t quite the bonding experience I was expecting that day to say the least…

Now going from a Smart Car to a Cadillac takes some getting used to. For a while I found myself running into things because I wasn’t used to them being so far out. Since then I have learned to take corners a little wider. And I’ll admit…with the proper fitting bra they sure look a helluva lot better. However that’s not what this blog is about, well not directly anyway. This blog is about the downside of having breasts. *gasp* Yes my friends there is a downside to the ever lovable Fun Bags. They don’t stay young forever. I’ve concluded that that is why women want to get married so early on. Because once you’re older and the ladies start to drop and you no longer have to mime the motions to “Oh Do Your Boobs Hang Low…” Well, let’s face it; no one wants to bang that.

Fish As Pets

You know I get a lot of grief from people about having birds as pets. That’s fine. I happen to like them. They are very personable and pretty adorable when you give them a bath. I might like mine better if the one wasn’t into self mutilation…or picking the other bird’s head bald and the other one wasn’t such a snob. But no matter I love them anyway. My point is, there are a lot of pointless pets out there and birds are hardly at the top of the list. What pet is more pointless than a bird?
Goldfish. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
















Wow, a fish. It floats around, blows bubbles, eats, shits, eats it’s shit and then when you’re good and bored with him (about two and a half hours later), he dies.











It’s not like you can even buy him lame accessories to wear like you can with dogs or cats.
















No, all you can do is buy a few cheesy neon ornaments, some fake plants and some rocks so he feels “more at home” in his cluttered abyss.











Even the snack is boring and tasteless.






















So parents please don’t buy your kids goldfish of any kind. They’ll only end up bored, hungry and annoying.

The Sexy Secrets of Sesame Street

Were Bert and Ernie gay? Does it even matter? Not really…but I think Bert may have been a grumpy suppressed bisexual and Ernie was just a classic example of a good intentioned dumb ass who had accepted Bert for his life choices.

I’d heard various rumors that Bert was brutally murdered on Sesame Street – uh, excuse me, it’s Sesame Park now – because too many feeble minded parents were complaining about the homosexual aspect of Bert and Ernie’s living arrangements. Apparently even though they didn’t even so much as share the same bed at night it was just unacceptable for two men to live in such close quarters and not be gay.
After all the children may see this as perfectly normal and learn to be gay…because that’s how it works…isn’t it? No? If that was in fact true, there’d be not a single fucking straight person left in the age group 20-40. Who the fuck didn’t watch Sesame Street when they were younger? Clearly the first thing that ran through my mind while watching Ernie annoy the shit out of Bert was: “Wow, they’re so gay. I can’t wait to grow up and be a homosexual male puppet that lives with my homosexual male puppet counterpart that sleeps in separate beds.”

I can see how forcing children to deal with death is much easier than dealing with Bert moving away never to be heard from again. Oh and if they were really gay do you think they’d have uni-brows? Not to mention they’d never have worn the same outfit two days in a row much less every day for the past thirty years. And since we’re on the topic of alleged gay puppets, why has no one run over Elmo yet? Now, Elmo is uber gay. (Either that or he’s a total pervert. Who goes around requesting that small children tickle him all the time?) Don’t even argue with me – he’s totally waif material. Put a snappy scarf and some cute shoes on him and he’s flaming.

Another change they made would be Cookie Monster no longer eats cookies. Cookies are unhealthy and as such he now only eats vegetables. What. The. Fuck. Well, we can hardly call him the Cookie Monster now can we? Heaven forbid parents actually teach their children that cookies are obviously not a sole source of food rather than rely on the television to educate them. And on a side note I happen to think that peanut butter oatmeal cookies are a good source of protein, grain and dairy disguised as a tasty treat.

Diamonds are Forever.....

Upon watching television this evening I came across one of the most offensive commercials I have ever seen. It was for "Jared. Galleria of Jewelry". The Infamous Jared's One dude gives his "wife" a box from Jared's and she runs around the room like a boasting asshole to all the other women saying "He went to Jared's!" This of course gets the other guy, who I guess is the lesser man for not going to Jared's for his wife's diamonds, in some deep shit. What kind of shitty message is that? So this poor guy goes out of his way to buy his wife some sort of diamond purchase and she's all down on him for not going to the huge (no doubt expensive) Galleria Jewelry store? What a bitch.
This diamond shit goes hand in hand with women's shoe and purse fetish. I don't understand it at all. Perhaps I am too new age because I could care less how big it is or where it came from – this only goes for diamonds by the way... Snap! I work with about two million women (I am not a compulsive liar, merely an exaggerator) and they all pride themselves on their ginormous wedding bands, anniversary bands, engagement rings and whatever else their husbands have had to buy to shut them up. One girl is going so far as to weld her mom's first engagement ring to her engagement ring and her wedding band because her current rings do not get enough attention. I feel that this is also quite unnecessary as her husband took the time to pick her out two very nice rings and now she feels it's not enough? Jesus. I have heard many things such as an engagement ring should cost the equivalent to two months salary. What!? I don't want that. How about you buy me a modest white gold band that sits on my finger to signify that I am no longer available and we put the rest of the money on a PHAT television set or maybe a down payment on a house. Really anything worth more than a few hundred I am just going to walk around paranoid that I am going to lose/damage it anyway – and I most likely will.
There was also a commercial for Master Card for some couple that had just gotten engaged and it says: Engagement Ring: $9,000. My mouth dropped open and I made my screwed up confused face. Who the hell needs that? And how are they going to pay for this wedding now? I mean the MC has to be maxed out after that little splurge. Looks like it's going to be one of those three year engagement plans. Oh and for his sake I really hope it came from Jared's otherwise he'll have to take that shit back and start over.