Okay if you have television you have at least heard of Deal or No Deal. At first I was pretty into the show because it was neat and exciting to watch. But now…well I kind of just wait for people to be stupid and lose it all because they get greedy. My favorite contestant has to be the one that gets a fabulous sum of money offered to them and they have THE most constipated look on their face when they ask their family if they should take the deal or not. Meanwhile the whole studio is screaming, "DEAL! DEAL! DEAL!" and suddenly they spin on their heels and close the case over the button and start swinging their hands back and forth like an umpire yelling, "NO DEAL! I CAME HERE TO GO ALL THE WAY! WOOOOOO!" Then wouldn't you know it, the first case they pick, it's the million dollar case. Next to the confused constipated look, the crushed semi-embarassed facial expression is the ultimate in telvision climax.
My second favorite contestant is the "lucky object" guy/girl who feels that a coin or a ball cap will help them make informed random choices. If I am really good the Karma Gods will bless me with the combination Constipated-Lose-it-all-Lucky-Object contestant. Those are the good nights, they really are. And the banker? Wow, what a prick that guy is. All high and mighty up in his creepy dark office watching the contestants get excited thinking they are going to win a million dollars. Knowing all the while that they'll probably walk out of there with less than $90,000—and that's all taxable income in the USA my friends.
Sadly, I will never be able to appear on the show. Not just because I am Canadian and it's not open to Canadian residents (even though the host is a Canuck), but because I am not the excited type. I am just not the type of girl to go all crazy and bounce up and down while screaming "OH MY GOD!" Don't get me wrong, I'm not a grouch either I just prefer to keep things mellow. Although I have a bit of angry streak and I just know Howie'd have to warn me several times about my profanity. I think it would go something like this:
Howie: Amy the offer is in. Now, I really want you to think about this. It's a lot of money and could buy you that Corvette you've always wanted.
* Dramatic Pause *
Amy: Would you tell me the *BEEEP*ing deal already? Shit, I don't have time for your damn games! My Corvette is riding on this!
Howie: Amy, I should remind you that this a family show so please keep the profanity to a minimum.
Amy: Sorry dude, I'm just really tense right now. So what's the deal?
Howie: I'll tell you what the deal is….
* Dramatic Pause *
Howie: Right after this!
Amy: Mother Fuc—
Then they would of course cut to commercial like they always do. I guess that's the breaks. I don't have any lucky objects, I don't have a football team to support me from the audience, I'm not getting married, I don't think I'm crazy enough to be entertaining, and I have this weird blank face that I do when I am thinking about things. It really throws people off and I like it. Maybe I should take up playing poker.
