I have an issue with two close personal “friends” of mine. Now I’ve known them my whole life and we’ve seen some good times and some not so good times. I see them every day and when I was younger I used to be ashamed of them. I would pretend I didn’t know who they were because I didn’t want the other kids to tease me. Though, as I got older I guess I sort of started to appreciate them for always being close by when I needed them the most. If only they weren’t so lazy and well, kind of fat.
I suppose it is safe to tell you their names as I’m almost sure they don’t read my blogs. Tons of people have met them and developed nicknames for them such as: Fun Bags, Ta Ta’s, The Girls, The Big Guns, The Twins, Knockers, Rack, Holiday Hams, Melons and so on. I have my own endearing nickname for them, “Fat Fucks”. But their technical names are “Left Breast” and “Right Breast”. Seriously, I’m a little tired of carrying all the weight for those two – literally – they’re so lazy they can’t even support themselves. I have to buy all of their clothes, bathe them, house them and make sure they are presentable in public/photos like some kind of personal assistant. But when ever I get a little attention from boys (and sometimes girls) they’re sure quick to take all the credit, selfish bitches.
Only recently I discovered that my breasts had put on a lot of weight with out me even noticing. As I have mentioned before, my sister used to work in a lingerie store. So who better to help me pick out a new one than my little sister? Yes I realize how creepy that sounded. Anyway after she brought me in a thousand and four “C” bras to try on I told her they were going to be too big. “I’ve been an “A” my whole life Robin there’s no way I’m a “C”. She was appalled that I had been squeezing myself into an “A” cup since grade five (I developed pretty early). So for half an hour she threw various bras at me and made me try them all on and then continually adjusted me in each one. It wasn’t quite the bonding experience I was expecting that day to say the least…
Now going from a Smart Car to a Cadillac takes some getting used to. For a while I found myself running into things because I wasn’t used to them being so far out. Since then I have learned to take corners a little wider. And I’ll admit…with the proper fitting bra they sure look a helluva lot better. However that’s not what this blog is about, well not directly anyway. This blog is about the downside of having breasts. *gasp* Yes my friends there is a downside to the ever lovable Fun Bags. They don’t stay young forever. I’ve concluded that that is why women want to get married so early on. Because once you’re older and the ladies start to drop and you no longer have to mime the motions to “Oh Do Your Boobs Hang Low…” Well, let’s face it; no one wants to bang that.
