Were Bert and Ernie gay? Does it even matter? Not really…but I think Bert may have been a grumpy suppressed bisexual and Ernie was just a classic example of a good intentioned dumb ass who had accepted Bert for his life choices.
I’d heard various rumors that Bert was brutally murdered on Sesame Street – uh, excuse me, it’s Sesame Park now – because too many feeble minded parents were complaining about the homosexual aspect of Bert and Ernie’s living arrangements. Apparently even though they didn’t even so much as share the same bed at night it was just unacceptable for two men to live in such close quarters and not be gay.
After all the children may see this as perfectly normal and learn to be gay…because that’s how it works…isn’t it? No? If that was in fact true, there’d be not a single fucking straight person left in the age group 20-40. Who the fuck didn’t watch Sesame Street when they were younger? Clearly the first thing that ran through my mind while watching Ernie annoy the shit out of Bert was: “Wow, they’re so gay. I can’t wait to grow up and be a homosexual male puppet that lives with my homosexual male puppet counterpart that sleeps in separate beds.”
I can see how forcing children to deal with death is much easier than dealing with Bert moving away never to be heard from again. Oh and if they were really gay do you think they’d have uni-brows? Not to mention they’d never have worn the same outfit two days in a row much less every day for the past thirty years. And since we’re on the topic of alleged gay puppets, why has no one run over Elmo yet? Now, Elmo is uber gay. (Either that or he’s a total pervert. Who goes around requesting that small children tickle him all the time?) Don’t even argue with me – he’s totally waif material. Put a snappy scarf and some cute shoes on him and he’s flaming.
Another change they made would be Cookie Monster no longer eats cookies. Cookies are unhealthy and as such he now only eats vegetables. What. The. Fuck. Well, we can hardly call him the Cookie Monster now can we? Heaven forbid parents actually teach their children that cookies are obviously not a sole source of food rather than rely on the television to educate them. And on a side note I happen to think that peanut butter oatmeal cookies are a good source of protein, grain and dairy disguised as a tasty treat.
